Broken & He Remains Silent

Since the beginning of October, my life has consisted of me being on my knees, begging, pleading, crying out to God to speak to me, to give me answers and direction, yet He remains silent. I have never experienced His silence in this way before. I have ALWAYS felt His presence in my walk with Him, and felt it so abundantly. Things that have been apart of my life have been stripped away, and I am left here waiting for things to make sense and better things to come together.

Last October of 2010 the Lord spoke to me, and told me He wanted me to be 100% out of debt. I moved back in with my parents at the age of 28 and I started socking away what would have been my "rent money" towards my debt. October 28th, 2011 I officially paid off over $15k in debt and am now 100% debt free. All because of Him. This October has been a HARD month for me, and that is putting it lightly. I was blessed to be called to be apart of an AMAZING mission trip to Haiti, where God was present and with my team in each and every second of the day, but then the minute I returned home-- He went SILENT. Out of obedience to the Lord, I also ended a relationship with who I thought I was planning my future with. All my dreams and future plans were completely shattered, and I was left completely broken. I thought that with all the things in my life that I given over to the Lord out of obedience, He would bless me in the midst of it all. And after paying off everything only because He told me too, I figured He had this big plan for me after it was all finished. Instead, things continued on a downward spiral, leaving me more broken than before. My career of eight years has started to take a turn and is going up in flames. Whenever I have been "broken" in my past, it has always been MY doing, a result of my sin and bad choices. This brokeness however is a result of my obedience to Him, so I guess I thought things would start looking up afterwards. Instead of blessings being sent my way I so wrongfully expected, He remained silent. COMPLETELY SILENT. My morning quiet time has never felt so stale. I have been praying for the same things every day, crying out to Him and no answers, no response, no comfort, no direction has been given. I longed to feel Him near and His presence. My morning quiet time of reading the Word and praying normally penatrates my heart, speaking through me, and it just wasn't. NUMB is the word to describe it.

Last Saturday morning I sat writing in my prayer journal, and I finally lost it and broke down. Tears would not stop flowing down my cheeks. You know the type of cry in which you can barely breathe? Yes, that was me. There I sat crying out to Him, questioning myself, doubting myself, and started wondering I was not "getting" something that He was trying to teach me or tell me. In a state of confusion and pain, I got myself to stop sobbing. A good cry is just needed sometimes ya know? Then I began reading a chapter in the latest book I've been reading called "He Speaks To Me" by Priscilla Shirer. I was on chapter seven titled "When God Is Silent." Eyes wide open, I started reading, and this was the beginning of the chapter...

"Sometimes we are living a holy life, but we still don't hear from God's voice. When that happens, we become angry with Him. We expect that since we have finally obeyed, He will reward us by speaking immediately and clearly, but that isn't necessarily the way He shows us that He is God. He is not only the God who divides the Red Sea of our problems. He is not only the God who makes the walls of our Jerichos fall down. Although He is more than ABLE to intervene, sometimes He shows us His glory, demonstrates His power, and strengthens His children by His silence."

She then led into a story in Matthew 15:22 about the Canaanite woman who called out to Jesus as He and His disciples were traveling. The woman begged Jesus to have mercy on her daughter, who was suffering terribly from demon-possession. Jesus however, did not say a word, and instead just kept walking. Here this woman was crying out to God with all her might, trying to get God who claimed to love her to help her in her situation. Yet He said nothing and did nothing. He was silent. She kept coming to Him and when she got no response, she just bowed lower to the ground. She humbled herself further and pursued Him more. If she had gotten an immediate response, that would not have been the case. God's silence increased the intensity of her pursuit, and that is exactly what God wants most, not to merely give us what we want but to cause us to WANT HIM MORE. The story continues on with her being undeterred by His silence. She continued to beg Him for help. Each time she fell down before Him willing to accept whatever He would give. Anything would do as long as it came from the Him. Finally, Jesus answered: "Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted." The daughter of that faithful woman was healed. Priscilla also talked about how we know that we are becoming spiritually mature when God is silent and instead of asking why, we humble ourselves before Him and persevere with prayer. As I read that I sat there smiling, because even in the midst of my heartache and confusion, my faith has not been shaken. It was never a question of why, but me simply longing to be close to Him and seeking Him for answers that He has yet to give me. I know and have complete faith that He will, it is just a matter of WHEN. I sat there after reading this, still feeling that brokenness, but blessed that I have a Savior that wants me to pursue Him deeper, simply because He LOVES ME! I have no idea whether any of you have experienced His silence, but I pray that if you have or you are, you remember this story and to just keep pursuing Christ regardless if you feel His presence or not. Our relationship with Him is not based on "feelings" but on trust and faith.

My learning from this season in my life is that God sometimes uses silence to strengthen our trust in Him and open our ears to spiritual truths. He wants us to PURSUE HIM! We are to trust that in His silence He IS SPEAKING to us. He is saying He wants more of us!! Oh how that is music to my ears and makes my heart sing with joy. One verse I go to often in hard times is James 1:2-4...

Consider it PURE JOY, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking anything.

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1

In Him,
Nicole Elizabeth