Saturday, November 19, 2011

"Occupied" Because of my Occupation

OCCUPY PORTLAND --- OCCUPY BANK DAY

Where do I even begin? As I am trying to writing this, tears are filling in my eyes. This is my story...

October 6, 2011 A movement called Occupy Portland was formed. That day a protest march was held in downtown Portland where thousands gathered. I was at work and leaving for a mission trip to Haiti for the second time this year the next day. I had to pack, and needed that time after work to get home and prepare for my trip since I was leaving that next morning. The march blocked traffic and halted the max lines which is my means of transportation to get home. I was definitely a tad stressed out, but did get home and packed in time. I remember thinking how I was glad I was leaving for all of this craziness, and that I would come home to everything being back to normal. No idea HOW WRONG I would be. I returned home on October 15th and the news was still covered with protesters, but now they were camping in Portland's public parks refusing to leave. I work across the street from where these "camps" were at. I could see tarps and tents through the windows of my work. My heart sunk and truthfully a bit of anger started to stir in my heart each and every time I looked out the window. Here I was in Haiti-- the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere where people ARE SO POOR that they HAVE NO CHOICE but to live in tarps and tents, while people in the USA are CHOOSING to live that way, claiming they are "POOR." Almost half of the worlds population lives off of about $2.50 a day. So if you are out protesting holding a cell-phone, starbucks, or clothes on your back, I just have a really hard time feeling anything for you. It is my belief that most people in this country can not fathom what true poverty is. People think Portland's unemployement rate is high? Try Haiti, which is over 80%. And they do not have a government that offers umemployement, welfare, social security, or food stamps to help those in tough times. WE ARE BLESSED, even in the midst of the hard times in our economy right now. If we have clean drinking water, food on our tables regardless if it is top ramen or prime rib... WE ARE BLESSED! If we have a roof over our head, regardless if it is an apartment, our own house, or a homeless shelter... WE ARE BLESSED! It breaks my heart to see our country dividing like this with resulting to damage of property and the beauty of our country, costing millions in tax-payers money, and ending in violence and with hatred and complete disrespect to one another. I think Americans are blinded by the reality of what most the world is like and just how good even the poorest people in America have it.

Tuesday November 15th... We were made aware that there was going to be "Occupy Bank Day" taking place. Yes that is right, I work at a bank in the heart of downtown Portland. We were told of the various things they were planning. We had a conference call on how to respond to the matter if it happens. I sent out a status on facebook the night before it was to take place asking for prayers for all the bank employees around the Portland area and their safety on this day. When writing that I honestly did not think my branch would be the one targeted and those prayers were more for others than myself.

Occupy Bank Day was October 17th, 2011 and there I was at work around 12:00pm when our branch started to get busy... unusually busy. I knew what was about to happen. We were being "occupied." People were there we had never seen, and all "waiting" for something. I was completely anxiety ridden and had a bit of anger as well as I waited to see how everything played out. Out of the blue it became a flash mob of the sorts and they started ranting, chanting, yelling and singing all sorts of things trying to disrupt things. They refused to leave. We called the police which took them over twenty minutes to arrive. When they did, over twenty officers one after another walked in the doors. Let me say one thing about those protesting inside. They were the only ones who remained peaceful, and with no such anger towards us. They even stated that they were not directing anything towards us as employees but the corporation itself and they would remain peaceful towards us. I praise and thank the Lord for that and keeping my staff and I safe until the police did arrive. The crowd of protesters outside had gathered and was at least over three hundred and only growing in large numbers. They were banging on the windows so hard I thought they would break. Reporters surrounded us in live coverage from the outside. People outside were screaming, chanting, and yelling at us through the windows, many with hatred and anger. Yelling profanity and flipping us off repeatedly. I do not know about you, but profanity any time I hear it is like a knife through my heart. It affects me so deeply each and every time I hear it. Some of the crowd shouted at the us bank employees to come join them on the outside, some were definitely glad to have a chance to vent their anger (almost) face to face. "How much does your f****** sweater cost, was what one woman yelled at me through the glass. My adrenaline was pumping to the max and I was shaking, but held my composure through the entire process. I didn't really have time to process any of what was happening while it was all happening. Eventually all nine of the protesters inside were arrested for trespassing and carried out by the police since they refused to walk. An American flag outside our building was taken down and put back up upside down to hang. I sat back staring out the windows and watching everyone around me with so much anger and my heart just broke inside. Anger being directed towards me and my staff for what? Working, and paying taxes? Trying to make a living for ourselves? Many have said it was not directed specifically to us, but I beg to differ. I tried to eat, but I could not stomach anything. We decided to stay open because the whole point of the movement was to "shut banks down" and we did not want them to succeed. Around 3pm, the protesters returned. This time even though there were less of them, they were even more angry and mean towards us. They continued banging on our windows, screaming at us, flipping us off, spitting and telling us to "F*** off" amongst other things. My building went into lock down again. The protesters started taking pictures of me and my team members with their phones and even an iPad. (Apparently poor people have enough money to buy iPads and iPhones.) Fear started to set in. Why would anyone want or need pictures of us? We ended up shutting down an hour early. I had to tell my staff to make sure they remove their name tags before leaving, out of fear of their safety. Sad isn't it? I walked to my car, and I think I went into shock. I got inside and the tears started streaming down my face. I lost it. (Seems to be a theme in my life right now.) My head was spinning from the events that took place and all the things that I watched unfold. I wish I could use words to describe how it was, but nothing will do justice, and neither did the news coverage. In that moment, I just wanted Jesus to come and take me home. All of a sudden, Chris Tomlin's song came on... "I Will Rise." I just love my God. There couldn't be a more fitting song to give me hope in the midst of this chaotic crazy world. Here is the lyrics if you do not know the song...

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/christomlin/iwillrise.html

It is now Saturday and I am still shaken up inside about things. Windows were broken, our ATM was super-glued so it was rendered unusable, and paint on windows. I have no anger inside, just complete sadness. Friday morning on my way to work, I was praying for things to PLEASE be back to "normal." I don't remember the exact moment it hit me but it was as if the Lord was saying, "Nicole, you have now had a small glimpse of what I went through." Jesus was persecuted for being the perfect man, loving to all, spending His life on Earth trying to change peoples hearts, loving them where they were at, and yet He was HATED, spit on, screamed/yelled at, tormented by his own people, and beaten left hanging in naked shame on a cross to die with everyone watching. What I went through was NOTHING compared to what He did, and I promise I am not trying to compare it. It is something we as humans can not even fathom the magnitude of. Here I am left hurting inside, broken and shattered, so affected by people through windows that I do not even know. I can not even imagine what Jesus experienced knowing each and every person, and loving them so deeply, yet they rejected Him. I do not know if I went through this experience to get a VERY SMALL glimpse of what Jesus experienced, but if for this reason, I am blessed. Blessed that Jesus has chose me to feel a tiny inkeling of what He went through. To remember this moment and be thankful now and in the future for what He did on the cross for me, redeeming me from all the sin I have in my life past present and future. I believe this was His way of strengthening me for those times that lie ahead in which I am persecuted for my faith. To remember that when we ARE persecuted to remain humble and not let our anger come out and instead react in love. We are called to be the light of the world. (Matthew 5:14) This was a way for me to show humility. This was a way for me to allow others to do wrong to me, with not just cause and instead of lashing back in anger, to PRAY for them. My brokenness led me to be praying for all of them. They are obviously lost, hurting and in dire need of Jesus. That is not how, in my past, I have reacted to those who do wrong to me. God is obviously working in my heart in major ways. I also believe that He had me experience this to help me never forget what He went through FOR ME. To know and feel the blessing of what the cross really is and means. God never fails to keep showing me things and working in me in ways I never imagined. He is so good, and He works all things out for His good purpose-- just as He has this.

Let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in Heaven. Matthew 5:16

“If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love you as its own; but because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you. Remember the word that I said to you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will also persecute you. If they kept my word, they will also keep yours." John 15:18-20

The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can PRAY. Above all, LOVE each other deeply, because LOVE covers a multitude of sins. 1 Peter 4:7

In Him,
Nicole Elizabeth

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Broken & He Remains Silent

Since the beginning of October, my life has consisted of me being on my knees, begging, pleading, crying out to God to speak to me, to give me answers and direction, yet He remains silent. I have never experienced His silence in this way before. I have ALWAYS felt His presence in my walk with Him, and felt it so abundantly. Things that have been apart of my life have been stripped away, and I am left here waiting for things to make sense and better things to come together.

Last October of 2010 the Lord spoke to me, and told me He wanted me to be 100% out of debt. I moved back in with my parents at the age of 28 and I started socking away what would have been my "rent money" towards my debt. October 28th, 2011 I officially paid off over $15k in debt and am now 100% debt free. All because of Him. This October has been a HARD month for me, and that is putting it lightly. I was blessed to be called to be apart of an AMAZING mission trip to Haiti, where God was present and with my team in each and every second of the day, but then the minute I returned home-- He went SILENT. Out of obedience to the Lord, I also ended a relationship with who I thought I was planning my future with. All my dreams and future plans were completely shattered, and I was left completely broken. I thought that with all the things in my life that I given over to the Lord out of obedience, He would bless me in the midst of it all. And after paying off everything only because He told me too, I figured He had this big plan for me after it was all finished. Instead, things continued on a downward spiral, leaving me more broken than before. My career of eight years has started to take a turn and is going up in flames. Whenever I have been "broken" in my past, it has always been MY doing, a result of my sin and bad choices. This brokeness however is a result of my obedience to Him, so I guess I thought things would start looking up afterwards. Instead of blessings being sent my way I so wrongfully expected, He remained silent. COMPLETELY SILENT. My morning quiet time has never felt so stale. I have been praying for the same things every day, crying out to Him and no answers, no response, no comfort, no direction has been given. I longed to feel Him near and His presence. My morning quiet time of reading the Word and praying normally penatrates my heart, speaking through me, and it just wasn't. NUMB is the word to describe it.

Last Saturday morning I sat writing in my prayer journal, and I finally lost it and broke down. Tears would not stop flowing down my cheeks. You know the type of cry in which you can barely breathe? Yes, that was me. There I sat crying out to Him, questioning myself, doubting myself, and started wondering I was not "getting" something that He was trying to teach me or tell me. In a state of confusion and pain, I got myself to stop sobbing. A good cry is just needed sometimes ya know? Then I began reading a chapter in the latest book I've been reading called "He Speaks To Me" by Priscilla Shirer. I was on chapter seven titled "When God Is Silent." Eyes wide open, I started reading, and this was the beginning of the chapter...

"Sometimes we are living a holy life, but we still don't hear from God's voice. When that happens, we become angry with Him. We expect that since we have finally obeyed, He will reward us by speaking immediately and clearly, but that isn't necessarily the way He shows us that He is God. He is not only the God who divides the Red Sea of our problems. He is not only the God who makes the walls of our Jerichos fall down. Although He is more than ABLE to intervene, sometimes He shows us His glory, demonstrates His power, and strengthens His children by His silence."

She then led into a story in Matthew 15:22 about the Canaanite woman who called out to Jesus as He and His disciples were traveling. The woman begged Jesus to have mercy on her daughter, who was suffering terribly from demon-possession. Jesus however, did not say a word, and instead just kept walking. Here this woman was crying out to God with all her might, trying to get God who claimed to love her to help her in her situation. Yet He said nothing and did nothing. He was silent. She kept coming to Him and when she got no response, she just bowed lower to the ground. She humbled herself further and pursued Him more. If she had gotten an immediate response, that would not have been the case. God's silence increased the intensity of her pursuit, and that is exactly what God wants most, not to merely give us what we want but to cause us to WANT HIM MORE. The story continues on with her being undeterred by His silence. She continued to beg Him for help. Each time she fell down before Him willing to accept whatever He would give. Anything would do as long as it came from the Him. Finally, Jesus answered: "Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted." The daughter of that faithful woman was healed. Priscilla also talked about how we know that we are becoming spiritually mature when God is silent and instead of asking why, we humble ourselves before Him and persevere with prayer. As I read that I sat there smiling, because even in the midst of my heartache and confusion, my faith has not been shaken. It was never a question of why, but me simply longing to be close to Him and seeking Him for answers that He has yet to give me. I know and have complete faith that He will, it is just a matter of WHEN. I sat there after reading this, still feeling that brokenness, but blessed that I have a Savior that wants me to pursue Him deeper, simply because He LOVES ME! I have no idea whether any of you have experienced His silence, but I pray that if you have or you are, you remember this story and to just keep pursuing Christ regardless if you feel His presence or not. Our relationship with Him is not based on "feelings" but on trust and faith.

My learning from this season in my life is that God sometimes uses silence to strengthen our trust in Him and open our ears to spiritual truths. He wants us to PURSUE HIM! We are to trust that in His silence He IS SPEAKING to us. He is saying He wants more of us!! Oh how that is music to my ears and makes my heart sing with joy. One verse I go to often in hard times is James 1:2-4...

Consider it PURE JOY, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking anything.

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1

In Him,
Nicole Elizabeth

Saturday, November 5, 2011

The significance of sand

Today I was thinking about how captivated I am day after day at the beauty of this world. The beauty of the Lord's creation. I myself, never used to be captivated by things I see in my every day life as I do now. I praise Him that He has opened my eyes to appreciate all that He has given us while we are on this Earth.

It was June 2010. I had flown to Southern California to visit one of my dearest and best friends to attend a Jeremy Camp/BarlowGirl concert together. One day we decided to spend the afternoon at the beach. I was laying in the sun, listening to the waves crash, admiring the palm trees and enjoying the sunshine I so rarely see in Portland, when I looked down at the sand and that is when it hit me. I could not stop staring at the sand and right then and there tears flooded my eyes and started streaming down my face. (I am so not even joking.) EACH and EVERY grain of sand, God had hand made with a unique design. He put His heart into each and every piece. In the SAND!!! That is just absolutely beyond my comprehension! As I sat there thinking about that, it was then I realized that if He would do that for every grain of sand in the Universe, can you IMAGINE how deeply He TRULY loves each and every one of us? That moment is when I started to truly see Him as an artist. The ultimate artist. Everything I see has beauty, a beauty like never before. My breath is taken away by the clouds and each unique design that appears as a new day arrives.

While I was in Haiti this past October, our team was surprised with a trip to the beach one afternoon. We were all sitting around at breakfast that morning when the news was laid on us. I sat there holding back tears once again because it was this very moment that has made the beach the most special place to me of any. There is nothing better than to spend an entire week serving Jesus and getting to witness some of the most amazing and glorious aspects of His creation. A part of that afternoon at the beach I just sat by myself in the sand picking seashells thinking about that moment while praising and thanking Him. That afternoon was priceless and so special beyond words to me.

My prayer is that we never forget how much He loves us. Whether in the good times or the times of struggle. He is faithful and true. I know we will never be able to fully grasp the kind of love He has for us, but remembering the grains of sand is always what will help me get a small glimpse of understanding. He is a God of compassion and mercy. A God who's love NEVER fails, NEVER ends, and NEVER changes. Rest in that my friends... Rest in that.

I leave you with a picture of my memory captured while in Haiti-- the blessing at the beach.

In Him,
Nicole Elizabeth